Date Eight....Death to the Ingénue

Apologies for the delay in posts... work has had me in a vice grip over the past couple of weeks..that aside...here we go...date eight...

The typecast damsel in distress, so 'blonde', so clueless yet so imposing and impractical. Often presented as the poster child of naivete or voted most likely to end up starring in her own Scream sequel...she just always happens to end up in need of a bail out or 'saving'.

The fair unsuspecting maiden of course requires a champion...a hero...a knight to ride up on a handsome steed and rescue her from the complexities of her problems, this brave and dashing soldier is your man.

Man has long fallen for the wiles of the archetype ingénue. In fact, she gave birth to the phenomenon that is ‘the hero’.

She never makes a conscious effort to exchange more than superficial pleasantries with you yet she's quick to make your man her own personal MacGyver. In all occasions, sit aside you should and watch her swoop in and make a hero of your beau. Contend and understand that 'she's just a friend and she had nobody else to call'.....

Wtf is wrong with women though? Like really...why do we thrive on creating these ‘uncomfortable situations’ for each other?

ingénue meet the vamp.. #pow!

Date Seven....Second Degree Burns

There’s a saying Caribbean people have about revisiting old relationships that goes ‘old firestick easy fi ketch’… translation… ‘previous loves/relationships are easily resuscitated’.

I never really understood that saying despite the multitude of R+B songs on the radio pining about unrequited love, the plethora of Hallmark cards pledging affections, the Viacom Studios scripted boy woos girl- their compatibility and similarities are uncanny-boy messes it up -boy does a noble deed to reclaim his honour-they ride off into the sunset storyline, and now here I am faced with my own fiery doppelgänger…

A niggling thorn in my otherwise romance-impregnable demeanour, the one that makes me wonder if it’s ever worth another try, the one who takes me from stark black ash of hate and regret to lingering red passionate emblems of reminisce.

What cruel deity scripts these stories? Aphrodite must be having a grand cackle while I trace the scar outline of the burns...the ones not inflicted by the carpet..

♫ If you see a ghost
Don't approach, it isn't me
I'm holdin' on, but I'm close
You're killing me, oh my love
We end up just like a kiss
... It's bittersweet
I'm livin', but my heart still says
In memory of your love
I'm six feet over
I'm six feet over, you... ♫

Date Six ...Of Nookie and Notches...

A lot of material for this blog is spurred from random conversations and interactions. One such recent conversation revolved around the thesis of sexual partner numbers,

what numbers are counted as low and high for men/women?

should you disclose your 'number' to your partner?

in this day and age, do the notches in your bedpost still mean something?

I set about to ask my favourite answer man Sir Google, do numbers really matter and what’s the 'average number of sexual partners' for both genders?

There was a mixed review with people from all around the world weighing in on the topic justifying their yes’s and no’s and I also found a ball park range on the million dollar question:

"men average sleep with 7-31 partners in their lifetime whilst women record 4-15 partners - US Study"

Take a moment, put those numbers into perspective (as well as add in the one or two more cases you KNOW those people failed to mention) and ask yourself .....do numbers matter? Do you want to marry a man that has slept with 31 women? Would you wife a chick that has been with 15 men?

Clearly there is a different weight system attached to both genders. Men with high numbers are revered as experienced stallions whilst women who take the frequent horizontal path are considered seasoned trollops. On the flip side, men with low numbers are supposedly timid and just a few days away from bursting drag-on out the of closet as with low numbered women deemed either shy, devout hand holding Christians or burdened with Daddy issues.

Blessed with friends on both ends of the sexual spectrum and having listened attentively to their tryst recalls, it’s fair to say that the world has become way way way way more casual about sex.

Lyrics and lines have been virtually dialled down to

“C’mon, it’s just a little pokey”

It’s a highly sexualized world and this liberation poses as a surreal alternative to ‘prudeness’. Those who indulge are viewed as ‘skilled’ at knowing what, when, how, who you want et al... I believe they call it ‘experienced’ lol

I have a male friend who is a few years younger than me who has testified to sleeping with around 30 women and I don’t think he’s exaggerating...as in...no he really isn't fibbing. One of my femmes, I think we've both lost track of her numbers and I’d be doing myself severe disservice if I never admitted that I wait patiently for her to pen her own sexscapade novel. Both have high numbers and seem to happy functioning members of society whilst the undersexed...well hey...they write blogs on a Sunday night...

Anyway, with this worldwide sexual prerogative it is important to note in the same vein that it pays to be careful where you throw your loins, affections and immune system.

Times are too unpredictable so as sexually responsible adults, I would encourage some discussion...however what should matter the most is your sexual practises history and not so much your sexual partner past...

Talking about ‘the number’ is one of those conversations where one might try to judge or make conclusions but really it can't tell you if your partner has a history of cheating or a clean bill of health...those things aren't guaranteed...whatever 'the number'... 

so hi, i'm TRR... lets talk about sex...

Date Five....The Mystery Man

Over the past couple of days things on the personal side have been pretty trying. With all the muddles I found myself in, it made great material for the blog but I’m resolute to respecting my own privacy… nary do I want to regret an entry… so here’s to sieving through the vast obstructions to unload on my blog…

An earlier post of mine explored the wonders of chemistry and attraction. In my ramblings, I swore by the instinctive click and feeling of kindred however another facet has emerged that has forced me to take a second look at my ‘laws of lust’… the element of mystery.

The scene is set: wonderfully handsome clever man meets awesome me and after several bouts of interaction, I conclude I’m really none the wiser to the 'real' him but certainly subject and weak to his wiles and charm. I don’t know him and yet…he’s constantly in my thoughts  :-/

We talk…quite frequently at that… but if the KGB picked me up hoping to squeeze info on him…I’d be useless and perhaps in shock at how poorly I know my ‘ever present thought dweller’…

Perhaps it’s the cloak and dagger mentality that keeps me piqued… this living spontaneity…this person in the shadows who makes everything more wonderfully contrived that it needs to be… but whilst I understand how a shrouded secretive nature may lure suitors, how sustainable is it being ‘the international man of mystery’…?

Fact is…it’s cute…(for a time). The not knowing, the guessing, the trying to fill in the blanks, wondering what exciting leads are contained in his/her past, the imaginative build up… but if the adage about expectations versus reality is true, then the centrifugal force that keeps us going round and round in a lust tizzy must certainly come to an end..(right?)

Still spinning and awaiting freedom…

Date Four...The Transient Man

He’s the ‘Ryan Howard’ of our lives, the straggly temp from Dunder Mifflin. The perpetual contract worker who comes in on rationed time to coordinate all the menial things no other person wants to be bothered to do or have become too complacent to do. His agenda is clear and specific – ‘get in, get out, get the job done’.

In many ways, ‘the temp’ may be compared to the transient partners in our lives… you know the ones with the strict purview to exercise due diligence in whatever areas or needs we deem unfulfilled. However, whilst the assigned tasks and functions vary between the physical and emotional, the modus operandi ‘to satisfy’ remains universal…seemingly enacting the slogan from McDonald’s to serve up a million smiles a day on you!

Yet whilst both worker/*insert patra voice here* ‘wukka’ categories exert a degree of industriousness and thoroughness to detail, the question lingers, will the 'lowly' temp ever ‘graduate’ to roll with a sense of permanence? Does the temp ever become the man in charge? Does he aspire to be more than a transient man?

These 'charming heroes' you find yourself drawn to for emotional or physical reprieve probably disappear once the need/purpose is met or intensity is amped up... usually because they are too chicken to see how deep the rabbit hole goes... he remains the proverbial temp..unfazed and on to the next assignment where the pay is better, the hours are less demanding and of course the grass a luminous shade of green..

...on that note... with the exit of the temp and a clear vacancy to boot for permanent staff.. pshka.. 'help wanted' :-)

Date Three.. Now Approaching the State of Singledom. Population:1

Randomly New Yet Seemingly Interesting Boy: Hi.. what's up?

TR: Hey.. Nutten much. deh ya innu...

Randomly New Yet Seemingly Interesting Boy: So quick question...are you single...

TR: Err.... ahmm... i guess... *turns bright red*

Randomly New Yet Seemingly Interesting Boy: How comes..? What's wrong with you..?

TR: Err.. ahm.....*sputters and stalls*

Are you single....? 

Such a simple yet terribly loaded question that slaps us in the face all the time. We are prompted on the daily to declare to the world our state of affairs whether it’s checking that ominous little box on an application form or directly stating that you run solo.

Why does one little word have so much power..?

On one hand... being single is liberating.... I do what I want without 'reporting' to anybody, I’m not committed to participate in valentines day or any kind of lover’s hogwash, I flirt with all and sexy sundry as well as I am devoid of the ‘property rights drama’ that usually accompany wankers and schlongs. However, as a stately single siren… I’m also liable to lonely nights, less presents to unwrap come birthday and christmas time, gas instead of butterflies in my tummy and having to constantly justify why I’m in 'that' state…

For starters, there is nothing wrong with me… ok fine… nothing majorly wrong with me…lol…so then why am I single? …

The most obvious answer is choice… I’m picky and careful where I throw my affections. I refuse to kiss frogs to pass the time and to prove to others that I’m viable however ‘concerned’ friends and ‘button pushers’ beg to differ.

One school of thought is that I probably should gingerly make my way through trolls and toads to see what’s out there. It’ll help, says my friend, in establishing my criteria, so when I find what I want, I’ll hold onto it.

Now while I will agree to go on ‘dates’ (even if I already know from the jump that the suitor stands no long term chance) just for the heck of entertainment, I’ve set no major expectations nor do I use them as measuring sticks. I don’t think it’s that hard to formulate a basic working list of what you’re looking for once you’ve been in at least one serious relationship or you’re comfortable and grounded in your own skin. I don’t necessarily have to go through schools of fools to establish my principles or discover what traits I need in a mate.

Friend 1: But T, 

“humans need companionship and you’re incomplete without a mate”

Without sounding totally feminist, I can and will state that I don’t need a mate to ‘complete’ me...I was never and will never be half a person nor will any one person be my ‘everything’. Different relationships whether platonic or amorous serve various purposes and it is the summation of our relationships with all persons that makes us whole…not a relationship with one person…

Friend 2: T,

 “time is running out”

Whilst you might believe gravity and death are knocking at your front door, I’m far from being headlining the Phyllis Diller-wrinkly faced-ovaries soon to be shutting down club. Some persons wish and clamour for certain things to happen at certain stages but I don’t clown myself into believing that I have total control over my ‘life timetable’.

Then there are those who try to make you feel bad for your seemingly 'pitiful' status. I know one such lagoon-dweller that every time she sees me, it’s the second question out of her mouth and she looks at me displeasingly when I say its 'just me'.. I mean she’s right...i don’t have kids and I’m not engaged. I've clearly let my entire gender down so bind my hands and feet and leave me on a fire ant hill…

I’ve plumb run out of ‘politely-rude’ answers for her…. 

The truth is, there are a lot of glittery options out there competing for our attention – friends, shoes, professional success, super cute hamsters, chippies plantain chips and all the people in the world we haven’t yet dated yet blah blah blah but it really does come down to seizing it the opportunity when you think the time and the suitor are in sync.. not on anybody's else's whim..

in my case, i mean, why settle for less when Idris Elba is in my reach.. ;-)

oh the paradox of choice…

Lil Wayne - How To Love

Date Two...Chemistry..(more than a science subject i failed in school)

He has a great smile,

So we make small chit chat on 'the weather'…
Damn he smiles again…
In my stunned state, he swoops in for the kill and asks me for my PIN that we might speak after this apparent kismet encounter…
I think hmm…he's too nouveau-school to ask for my number but I'll go along for the ride anyway...
He types 234ABC56... i accept...
Two days later, he sends me a message to go get drinks...i accept
We sit at the table…small chitter chatter here and there until...
My eyes drift away and my focus is less on his killer smile, his handsome face, his sharp stylings or his sexy yet lanky figure…
The undertaker soon arrives to scoop up what’s left of my interest after the horrific clash between his droning and my enthusiasm…
His pheromone-boosted cologne makes one last concerted effort to revive my waning participation but alas it is too late...there are no fireworks, our chemistry is D.O.A. with a firm D.N.R order tagged to its left toe... 

beep beep beep beep...

…flatline…

Chemistry…its more than a subject I failed at CXC...it’s a vital component of courtship that makes or breaks it. It is the driving force between unions; the ignition and the ultimate catalyst for relationships; it’s the verbal or nonverbal, conscious or unconscious stirrings caused as a result of your interaction with the other person; the natural, mutual romantic attraction that results from a mixture of physical attraction and mutual personality-based rapport; the desire to be in tandem and inquisitive about each other;  the rapid heartbeat, the shortness of breath or the unsuspecting smile that forms upon thought - - it is beyond scientific, its turbo charged holistic attraction and essentially what sustains relationships over the years. 

Whilst instant chemistry is a delightful start to any courtship, it’s also a deceptive little bugger that often enough isn’t apparent from the jump. Asides from the people who believe in true love at first sight, normal persons like myself say honestly that we are lured in by aesthetics i.e. how big her boobs are, how striking his butt is et al. Then he/she has about 5-10 minutes in the moment to seem ‘interesting’ enough to make you desire to see them again. Providing they accomplish this, digits and PINS might be exchanged.

The waiting is over and its time for that ‘initial conversation’…disappointingly, it stutters and stalls more than a Lada in heat. You find that you two have very little to talk about but fine. I mean its unnerving being around someone you think is totally awesome so lets chalk it up human nature and nerves…

Bam! its round two and this should be the indicator of sparks but whilst you both love the colour orange, like to sip on green tea and disagree on euthanasia…its still all just a bit *insert sound effect* womp womp wooooomp…

What went wrong? There’s simply no chemistry…

Chemistry is one of those things you either have it with the person or you don’t. It's one of the few things in life you can't learn and can't teach nor can it be bought or sold. You, as a couple, either have it or you don't whether its sexual or not...

A tip tho: In those initial convos, strive to ‘get to the know’ the person without making it into an inquiry. If you must, make a list of general topics you’d like to discuss because nothing I find is more annoying than a barrage of reporter questions…we’re not on a shooting range nor am I on trial. It’s also perfectly normal to disagree on some points as constant agreement is boring *say no to yes men*… but please…be respectful, we’re just talking, not fighting for world domination. 

Chemistry is the start or end of it all and as such starts with having mutual interests. If we click on emotional or intellectual grounds, it’s a welcoming beginning and the more we have in common is the more we’ll connect and stay in each other’s thoughts. 

Chemistry is vital, but it is not to be confused with compatibility which is just as important as an individual trait. Chemistry is the natural connection that you have with someone whilst compatibility is a partnership of similar goals. You can have chemistry but no compatibility. They can make your insides race but deep down but deep down you know this ish won’t be good for you.  You’re literally just in it for the ride and to see how deep the rabbit hole goes. I’m testament to that…this fellow and I had some awesome…pshka I mean super ridiculous chemistry…sent my heart and loins a-flutter every time I saw his face, heard his name, smelled his cologne or made some association however we weren’t compatible in the long run and I felt I needed more. We disagreed on major life decisions and went our separate ways but to date, I don’t think anybody has matched that fellow in the interest pique-levels...  

*brb.. takes a quick cold shower to ward off the feelings of reminisce that are emerging*

Chemistry is the start or end of it all. It’s like a natural closeness…you’re comfortable gabbing away about any and everything yet just as comfortable in silence; its that feeling of ease right off the bat with someone… feeling like you've known them a long time even if you haven't… its 'that' connection that makes you relate to the sappy R+B songs and makes you want to buy bundles of Hallmark cards...

And while chemistry isn’t everything it is indeed the most potent and most desired… Courtship's most powerful signals are unheard, untouched and unseen and chemistry is that essence that makes you wanna slay dragons and scale mountains to fuel the passion… my beakers and your bunsen burner should always be in tandem.

Date One...Who Got's The Bill?

On a recent trip home, I had the 'pleasure' of sitting near some pretty rowdy 'kunchie ppl' who went on and on about various topics. My ears however perked up at one particular analogy with man and woman relations that i'd never heard before, clearly I've paraphrased a bit and removed all the reprehensible "beinde go's and de's" but this is the gist..

 a woman starts out a relationship like a caterpillar.. she'll go slow, love you hard and will do anything - 'anytime + anyplace'
a woman evolves into a cocoon... she nests with you and makes you feel safe and comfortable
a woman finally becomes a butterfly...she takes your nectar - your cash and essence, leaves you high and dry and goes searching for another to suit her appetite...

hmm...whilst the analogy has several bits for me to dissect, the section that strikes me the most is one that every eligible dater must consider...'relationships and money' ... such an expansive discussion... 

Who should pay on dates?

Should a man mind a woman?

Is it wrong for a woman to hunt men of means?

Does a man feel emasculated if a chick pays?

While I’ve never had a fellow ‘mind’ me, the theory is certainly attractive - not having to spend much of my own cash..credit card taken care of..hair and nails taken care of all the time, groceries, funds to go shappin’ ..dat'd be maaaad but..*slaps self in head*..back to reality..

This whole woman will nyam you out heart and soul ish is getting old. Not all women are schemers, cheaters or gold digging wenches. I for one have NEVER asked a man for money or asked a man to buy me anything. My mother was firm on the whole self-reliance bit. In all honesty, there may have been one ex I can think of that I may have borrowed cash from with prompt and full repayment and that was only because we were years comfy inna we ting.

Men whine that women are expensive as well as 'fiscally dishonest' but really how does acquiring a bonifide make her/equate to her being your dependent? Aren't we all as adults financially responsible for ourselves? I don’t expect a man to pay for everything but it stands to reason I ain't messing with no broke fool either..

While as a gent it may be chivalrous to pay for dinner and movies, I also think it’s perfectly acceptable to go halves or to take turns on the bill... It’s really not a big deal...at least for a working sensible woman. 

if: 

• she never offers to pay, not even for likkle Haagen Dazs, best believe homeboy you'll be tipping for life on the hair and nails...shut it down!
• there is always a story or prelude followed by a request especially in that first year.. shut it down!
• a request comes with concern about your the 4 digit magical pin..shut it down!
• a request always follows the 'happy ending' session, wipe yourself off and shut it down!
• she makes a request to forego prophylactics... shut it down and run! 

...if you need to pay to access the 'benz' then start better you walk..

Women however aren't the only ones with apparent outstretched arms, if men say women are apt at the art of relieving them of their money then the man that makes a sister part with it must be packing one powerful penis. :-/

I can think of one case where a sista gone into debt mindin a fool. He doesn’t work and is dependent on her. She says she doesn’t care because he’s coming home to her at night 

All the same, the toad in question is smooth.. smooth till him slimy however he’s got game and I give him that..such a pity his ‘head’ is all up her head.. common sense cut gone long time! 

In summation, relationships and courting should never spurn heated arguments on money... a relationship ain't a marriage <---that's something loads of people don't understand…so i'll repeat, a relationship/courtship is NOT a marriage. No modern woman should be opposed to holding her own nor should she be that feminist to turn down a free drink. 

..then again, nice girls prolly don't get rich and who am I to knock what I haven't tried eh?

i remain broke and fabulous....  

Miguel - Pay Me

Kanye West and Jamie Foxx - Gold Digger

What's In a Blog?

I figured it would only be a matter of time before I got into this blogging thing and alas I've been snagged.

There are certain evils I've intentionally gone out of my way to avoid and whilst some I will have to play close to my chest for fear of them popping from behind the Mulberry bush, blogging was definitely a no-no with twitter running a close second.

Reason being... I think I hate writing :-/  

Ok ok...maybe not all the time, but certainly sometimes it becomes rather gruelling...but why you say?

Simple answer...I write for a living...but don't get it twisted, i love what i do...so it’s fair to say that writing and I have a serious love-hate relationship... I guess that makes writing my boyfriend...

We all write...whether its messages, emails, doodles, surname matches with Mr./Mrs. McDreamy but for a writer, constructing even a supermarket list soon becomes tedious and will elicit groans and grunts. Does an accountant want to spend his leisure time looking at more numbers? 

But as I continue to tap out letters on this keyboard, I scour my brain for purpose... so what's in a blog?

A blog (short for weblog) is a personal online journal that is frequently updated and intended for general public consumption

I don't even vocalize half the 'personal' thoughts that run through my head (except obvious funny faux pax) yet I here I have now committed myself to write them...hmm.. 

Commitment for me is a big deal and a big step so let's reciprocate then eh Mr. Blog...

..For my passionate entries, i expect to feel fluidity and experience less writers block professionally..

..For my thought provocations, i expect progress in my own self journey and introspection..

..I expect at the end of it all for us to be head over heels in love...

                             so we've sealed the deal with a 'click' now let our relationship begin...