Was there ever a time when things just weren't going your way? That's my entire September. From fender benders to whiplash to missed Masters deadlines, it's been a terrible month for me and I've been Little Miss Grumpy on overdrive.
Just when I thought the month of malarkey was over I got a rather unusual call from a friend on Friday night. She started out on a mysterious note saying she wasn't sure how I'd react and she was sorry to tell me...I'm like get on with it because I was too groggy to play Jeopardy. Four words later.."Voldemort got married today".
I mustered, "really? woooow!" She asked if I was ok, I said yeh, spoke a lil bit more, ended the call, rolled over and tried to go back to bed. The next morning (Saturday), the impact of what she said really hit me and I spent some quiet time analysing how I really felt about it. My first reaction was that of shock because even though we are ex's, in small talk I've never heard him mention a girlfriend less a fiancée. I'm also still pretty chummy with his mum and sister.. no mention from them either about a betrothed. It was all so secretive so I didn't see it coming at all. My next reaction was that of plain awkwardness and just saying wow on repeat. How would I react to him in person after this? Should I message him to say congrats?
As the day progressed, I got a few calls and messages from people asking if I was ok since they had heard the news. Was I not to be ok?
The more and more I ruminated on it I moved from feeling awkward to pretty much super awkward. I felt like I was being observed for an expected breakdown. I messaged my mother Saturday night to give her the news. Her first reaction made me laugh, "Who gets married on a Friday!? Yu sure bout it?"
I replayed all of my emotions since hearing the news and noted that my first reaction wasn't to be sad or upset, only shocked that it had happened so quietly considering he's kinda show-boaty. I didn't have a fit of jealousy. I didn't start reminiscing on the good times. I didn't think or obsess on how things didn't work out. I didn't imagine myself in a wedding dress standing next to him. I didn't want him back.
I saw pictures. I saw him in his suit and her in her dress.
I remembered how toxic things were. How I tried past all common-sense to get us to fix what was wrong and how 'love' couldn't patch what was irretrievably broken. I remembered how much happier I was when it was over and how I felt so free.
What I learned more than anything else this weekend was that I was completely and honestly over my first love and my first heartbreak. I'll always care about him but I am no longer in-love with him.
Voldemort got married, that's what we do when we fall in love. Congrats and all the best.
Sunday 29 September 2013
Thursday 8 August 2013
Date Twenty...I'm Afraid To Get [emotionally] Naked
This week, I came across a quote that resonated quite deeply with me:
"People fall in love with each other’s rough edges. Paradoxically, it’s our flaws and vulnerabilities that make us unique and endearing towards others"
Vul.ner.a.ble [vuhl-ner-uh-buh]
adjective
1. capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon: a vulnerable part of the body
2. open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc: an argument vulnerable to refutation; He is vulnerable to bribery
3. open to assault; difficult to defend: a vulnerable bridge
Vulnerability is not something I do very well. In fact if it were a university course elective, I'd get a big fat 'W'. If I could think of two things ex's (post Voldemort) would say about why we never stuck it through it'd be:
1. I rarely ever 'let them in' on my feelings or insecurities
2. I quit when things started to get too close or intimate
In a nutshell, I guess I'm petrified of being vulnerable.. I'm terrified of being the chink in my own armour and I'm frightened of being emotionally naked. I don't think being vulnerable means being weak but it certainly involves uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. Stripped and unmasked, my deep seated fear would be someone might take unfair advantage my feelings and I can't have that. Ironically, this vulnerability that I fear is one of the secrets of successful relationships.
This aversion to presenting the unfiltered version of myself is to be blamed on past hard felt lessons and experiences. It doesn't mean that I am any less real or authentic but that I don't show all my cards in the first hand.
I've always believed that people are intrinsically selfish and always act on their own agenda. We're only in it for ourselves. On that note, acting as selfishly as we all do, I believe we have the propensity to hurt people even if we're not trying to.
But still, hard as it is, I'm hoping its not entirely impossible to allow the right person in. I'm not feigning perfection under any kind of mask, but I guess you do what you gotta do to protect yourself until you believe someone will take as good-a-care of you as you do yourself.
So here's to scaling emotional walls, slaying the dragons of doubt and seeing beneath the beautiful. Life is messy and imperfect. I'm imperfect and that makes me beautiful...
"People fall in love with each other’s rough edges. Paradoxically, it’s our flaws and vulnerabilities that make us unique and endearing towards others"
Vul.ner.a.ble [vuhl-ner-uh-buh]
adjective
1. capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon: a vulnerable part of the body
2. open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc: an argument vulnerable to refutation; He is vulnerable to bribery
3. open to assault; difficult to defend: a vulnerable bridge
1. I rarely ever 'let them in' on my feelings or insecurities
2. I quit when things started to get too close or intimate
In a nutshell, I guess I'm petrified of being vulnerable.. I'm terrified of being the chink in my own armour and I'm frightened of being emotionally naked. I don't think being vulnerable means being weak but it certainly involves uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. Stripped and unmasked, my deep seated fear would be someone might take unfair advantage my feelings and I can't have that. Ironically, this vulnerability that I fear is one of the secrets of successful relationships.
This aversion to presenting the unfiltered version of myself is to be blamed on past hard felt lessons and experiences. It doesn't mean that I am any less real or authentic but that I don't show all my cards in the first hand.
I've always believed that people are intrinsically selfish and always act on their own agenda. We're only in it for ourselves. On that note, acting as selfishly as we all do, I believe we have the propensity to hurt people even if we're not trying to.
But still, hard as it is, I'm hoping its not entirely impossible to allow the right person in. I'm not feigning perfection under any kind of mask, but I guess you do what you gotta do to protect yourself until you believe someone will take as good-a-care of you as you do yourself.
So here's to scaling emotional walls, slaying the dragons of doubt and seeing beneath the beautiful. Life is messy and imperfect. I'm imperfect and that makes me beautiful...
Wednesday 3 July 2013
Date Nineteen...Superheroes Only!
I've been having one of those weeks that makes you want to bottle and douse me in healing water of Bath Springs, St Thomas. From almost breaking my toe to unexpected car expenses, the icing on my cake of catastrophe came to a peak when I lost my pretty penny smart phone a day before I kick started my vacation. My reaction? I think I did everything but a radio ad with just the sounds of my hollering. I blamed myself predominately. I am not usually very careless and I was rather hard on myself... I really made me feel bad.
Tapping into my inner Sherlock Holmes skills, I was able to confirm that my phone had been targeted by of a ring of thieves that hit not only myself but other persons at the same event. A weight immediately fell off my shoulders when I learned that I wasn't directly responsible for 'losing' the instrument. By all means, the phone was still gone but it wasn't due to carelessness on my end.
I had been with two friends when I learned my phone went missing who I believe did all they could in the moment to cheer me up. A day after the theft,I discovered that the thieves not only took my instrument but ran up my bill to about JMD$ 7000. It really was a true to life 'series of unfortunate events'. My friends rallied around me tenfold and made sure that that even though things weren't going well, that I enjoyed my hard earned week off from work.
Having already wasted three days moping, investigating and trying to amend the damage to my account and business caused by the thieves, I began to execute my own vacation to-do's.
One of the items was to go watch a movie alone. It sounds odd and all my female friends think I'm strange as hell but I was firm about seeing it through. Although a DIE HARD Batman and X-Men fan, I gave into the hype and went to watch 'Man of Steel'. It was a pretty decent flick and I sat there team solo and watched the movie. You see, going to the movies alone was proof to myself that I was entirely comfortable being alone where I was I expected not to be. I was stared at for sure including the person issuing the ticket and those sitting around me in the theatre but it's ok, I know what great company I am so no worries if I'm a party of 'one'.
Watching the superhero movie also put into perspective how I felt about my stress packed week. Independent as I am, my friends kicked-ass Justice League style. They came to my rescue and the world was saved.
In turn, we should also expect the same in our relationships even if we boast self-sufficiency. I'm no Mary Jane, Lois Lane or any other perpetual damsel in distress but there was definite need for Superman this week and I guess he missed the calling. Good thing Batman is my favourite superhero.
Tapping into my inner Sherlock Holmes skills, I was able to confirm that my phone had been targeted by of a ring of thieves that hit not only myself but other persons at the same event. A weight immediately fell off my shoulders when I learned that I wasn't directly responsible for 'losing' the instrument. By all means, the phone was still gone but it wasn't due to carelessness on my end.
I had been with two friends when I learned my phone went missing who I believe did all they could in the moment to cheer me up. A day after the theft,I discovered that the thieves not only took my instrument but ran up my bill to about JMD$ 7000. It really was a true to life 'series of unfortunate events'. My friends rallied around me tenfold and made sure that that even though things weren't going well, that I enjoyed my hard earned week off from work.
Having already wasted three days moping, investigating and trying to amend the damage to my account and business caused by the thieves, I began to execute my own vacation to-do's.
One of the items was to go watch a movie alone. It sounds odd and all my female friends think I'm strange as hell but I was firm about seeing it through. Although a DIE HARD Batman and X-Men fan, I gave into the hype and went to watch 'Man of Steel'. It was a pretty decent flick and I sat there team solo and watched the movie. You see, going to the movies alone was proof to myself that I was entirely comfortable being alone where I was I expected not to be. I was stared at for sure including the person issuing the ticket and those sitting around me in the theatre but it's ok, I know what great company I am so no worries if I'm a party of 'one'.
Watching the superhero movie also put into perspective how I felt about my stress packed week. Independent as I am, my friends kicked-ass Justice League style. They came to my rescue and the world was saved.
In turn, we should also expect the same in our relationships even if we boast self-sufficiency. I'm no Mary Jane, Lois Lane or any other perpetual damsel in distress but there was definite need for Superman this week and I guess he missed the calling. Good thing Batman is my favourite superhero.
Saturday 22 June 2013
Date Eighteen...Drive, Reverse, Neutral!
Whenever i'm tempted to write a blog entry, I do a lot of mental editing. Its a battle not to say too much but to say exactly how i feel.
I guess it all started one fateful tweet ago..and now we are here. Where's here you ask? In the lovely state of limbo.
Earlier this year, I saddled myself up for a ride in the spirit of being open minded and all the other junk. Convinced that I wasn't sure where it'd be headed... I guess I tried to go with the flow and there endeth my bright idea..
So here we are..stick shift stuck in neutral
... but I know how to drive stick..
I guess it all started one fateful tweet ago..and now we are here. Where's here you ask? In the lovely state of limbo.
Earlier this year, I saddled myself up for a ride in the spirit of being open minded and all the other junk. Convinced that I wasn't sure where it'd be headed... I guess I tried to go with the flow and there endeth my bright idea..
So here we are..stick shift stuck in neutral
... but I know how to drive stick..
Wednesday 1 May 2013
Date Seventeen...Prison Stripes a La Mode
I guess i consider myself pretty moral. I know what i'm about and i'm always shooting to do the 'right' thing. I pretty much have an idea what i will and wont do but i also know that a wise man 'never says never'.
Enter my conundrum and how i've found myself on the opposite side of the fence.
Guilty or not guilty? Let's see if the reward is worth the ride...
Enter my conundrum and how i've found myself on the opposite side of the fence.
Guilty or not guilty? Let's see if the reward is worth the ride...
Friday 19 April 2013
Date Sixteen... Euphemisms and Expectations
In life, we 'get what we expect'.. if you expect to choke on a speech in front a gajillion people, you do right? and if you expect to fail, you fail, right?
That's what I thought too..expectations are self-fulfilling prophecies. Its like we become our own psychics and naturally believe that whatever it is that we are harping on will happen just the way we planned it in our heads...and when it doesn't, we become confused and disappointed.
Expectation is not a synonym for 'hope' wherein as the first I think is a 'future belief of what one wants to happen/see's happening' and the latter conveying the belief of 'optimism for positive outcome but sometimes without a defined path of achieving goals desired'. You can HOPE to win the lotto.. but you better not EXPECT to!
I learned pretty quickly in life that expectations are the devil and I try to manage them as realistically as I can in all areas - work, relationships, friendships, buying shoes blindly online et al.
Expectations give far too much power to the 'expectoring' (yes i'm coining my own words now...and what!?) and you the 'expectant' sit and wait for them to play the winning poker card.
Considering I learned to play poker this past birthday, I wouldn't say I'm the strongest player and won't be entering any major jackpot tables soon ergo if expectations only lead to disappointments-in-waiting, why do we sit around and wait for others (people, circumstances) to disappoint us?
So here is to everything being everything and living on the 'expectations of realistic girl' who doesn't wear rose coloured glasses..
That's what I thought too..expectations are self-fulfilling prophecies. Its like we become our own psychics and naturally believe that whatever it is that we are harping on will happen just the way we planned it in our heads...and when it doesn't, we become confused and disappointed.
Expectation is not a synonym for 'hope' wherein as the first I think is a 'future belief of what one wants to happen/see's happening' and the latter conveying the belief of 'optimism for positive outcome but sometimes without a defined path of achieving goals desired'. You can HOPE to win the lotto.. but you better not EXPECT to!
I learned pretty quickly in life that expectations are the devil and I try to manage them as realistically as I can in all areas - work, relationships, friendships, buying shoes blindly online et al.
Expectations give far too much power to the 'expectoring' (yes i'm coining my own words now...and what!?) and you the 'expectant' sit and wait for them to play the winning poker card.
Considering I learned to play poker this past birthday, I wouldn't say I'm the strongest player and won't be entering any major jackpot tables soon ergo if expectations only lead to disappointments-in-waiting, why do we sit around and wait for others (people, circumstances) to disappoint us?
So here is to everything being everything and living on the 'expectations of realistic girl' who doesn't wear rose coloured glasses..
#patience
#bidingmytime
#livefornow
Sunday 10 March 2013
Date Fifteen...Oh Yes, I'm the Great Overthinker..Ooh Ooh
I had an absolutely stellar birthday... not a 'freaking' one but nevertheless a wonderful birthday. From spas to sushi to surprise parties, I have some pretty great friends who are committed to seeing that I don't go completely mad and who remind me that i'm perpetually loved. Trust me, I love you guys from the depths of my foot bottom..
While my birthday might have fell short on the 'freaking'.. it did however start with a new crush. I've mentioned before how much I hate crushing. I'm an over analyzer I think of things from the weirdest angles and directions.. I put things together that perhaps don't fit, I'm constantly ruined by moments of 'what ifs', 'i wonder' or 'suppose'. My imagination goes in overdrive, quicker than Lewis Hamilton or Sebastian Vettel on an F1 track...it stays speeding till I've figured out how the chess pieces fall into play..
In the 'big game', there are only reviews and replays. Everything is in retrospect and in 20/20 hindsight. Guess it wouldn't be any fun if we saw all the plays in advance...I guess that makes me a bad sportswoman for scheming on how I can press the fast forward. Where is Ms Cleo when you need her fake behind to give you some kinda clairvoyance?
Buckled up and saddled in for a ride...
While my birthday might have fell short on the 'freaking'.. it did however start with a new crush. I've mentioned before how much I hate crushing. I'm an over analyzer I think of things from the weirdest angles and directions.. I put things together that perhaps don't fit, I'm constantly ruined by moments of 'what ifs', 'i wonder' or 'suppose'. My imagination goes in overdrive, quicker than Lewis Hamilton or Sebastian Vettel on an F1 track...it stays speeding till I've figured out how the chess pieces fall into play..
In the 'big game', there are only reviews and replays. Everything is in retrospect and in 20/20 hindsight. Guess it wouldn't be any fun if we saw all the plays in advance...I guess that makes me a bad sportswoman for scheming on how I can press the fast forward. Where is Ms Cleo when you need her fake behind to give you some kinda clairvoyance?
Buckled up and saddled in for a ride...
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