Date Three.. Now Approaching the State of Singledom. Population:1

Randomly New Yet Seemingly Interesting Boy: Hi.. what's up?

TR: Hey.. Nutten much. deh ya innu...

Randomly New Yet Seemingly Interesting Boy: So quick question...are you single...

TR: Err.... ahmm... i guess... *turns bright red*

Randomly New Yet Seemingly Interesting Boy: How comes..? What's wrong with you..?

TR: Err.. ahm.....*sputters and stalls*

Are you single....? 

Such a simple yet terribly loaded question that slaps us in the face all the time. We are prompted on the daily to declare to the world our state of affairs whether it’s checking that ominous little box on an application form or directly stating that you run solo.

Why does one little word have so much power..?

On one hand... being single is liberating.... I do what I want without 'reporting' to anybody, I’m not committed to participate in valentines day or any kind of lover’s hogwash, I flirt with all and sexy sundry as well as I am devoid of the ‘property rights drama’ that usually accompany wankers and schlongs. However, as a stately single siren… I’m also liable to lonely nights, less presents to unwrap come birthday and christmas time, gas instead of butterflies in my tummy and having to constantly justify why I’m in 'that' state…

For starters, there is nothing wrong with me… ok fine… nothing majorly wrong with me…lol…so then why am I single? …

The most obvious answer is choice… I’m picky and careful where I throw my affections. I refuse to kiss frogs to pass the time and to prove to others that I’m viable however ‘concerned’ friends and ‘button pushers’ beg to differ.

One school of thought is that I probably should gingerly make my way through trolls and toads to see what’s out there. It’ll help, says my friend, in establishing my criteria, so when I find what I want, I’ll hold onto it.

Now while I will agree to go on ‘dates’ (even if I already know from the jump that the suitor stands no long term chance) just for the heck of entertainment, I’ve set no major expectations nor do I use them as measuring sticks. I don’t think it’s that hard to formulate a basic working list of what you’re looking for once you’ve been in at least one serious relationship or you’re comfortable and grounded in your own skin. I don’t necessarily have to go through schools of fools to establish my principles or discover what traits I need in a mate.

Friend 1: But T, 

“humans need companionship and you’re incomplete without a mate”

Without sounding totally feminist, I can and will state that I don’t need a mate to ‘complete’ me...I was never and will never be half a person nor will any one person be my ‘everything’. Different relationships whether platonic or amorous serve various purposes and it is the summation of our relationships with all persons that makes us whole…not a relationship with one person…

Friend 2: T,

 “time is running out”

Whilst you might believe gravity and death are knocking at your front door, I’m far from being headlining the Phyllis Diller-wrinkly faced-ovaries soon to be shutting down club. Some persons wish and clamour for certain things to happen at certain stages but I don’t clown myself into believing that I have total control over my ‘life timetable’.

Then there are those who try to make you feel bad for your seemingly 'pitiful' status. I know one such lagoon-dweller that every time she sees me, it’s the second question out of her mouth and she looks at me displeasingly when I say its 'just me'.. I mean she’s right...i don’t have kids and I’m not engaged. I've clearly let my entire gender down so bind my hands and feet and leave me on a fire ant hill…

I’ve plumb run out of ‘politely-rude’ answers for her…. 

The truth is, there are a lot of glittery options out there competing for our attention – friends, shoes, professional success, super cute hamsters, chippies plantain chips and all the people in the world we haven’t yet dated yet blah blah blah but it really does come down to seizing it the opportunity when you think the time and the suitor are in sync.. not on anybody's else's whim..

in my case, i mean, why settle for less when Idris Elba is in my reach.. ;-)

oh the paradox of choice…

Lil Wayne - How To Love

Date Two...Chemistry..(more than a science subject i failed in school)

He has a great smile,

So we make small chit chat on 'the weather'…
Damn he smiles again…
In my stunned state, he swoops in for the kill and asks me for my PIN that we might speak after this apparent kismet encounter…
I think hmm…he's too nouveau-school to ask for my number but I'll go along for the ride anyway...
He types 234ABC56... i accept...
Two days later, he sends me a message to go get drinks...i accept
We sit at the table…small chitter chatter here and there until...
My eyes drift away and my focus is less on his killer smile, his handsome face, his sharp stylings or his sexy yet lanky figure…
The undertaker soon arrives to scoop up what’s left of my interest after the horrific clash between his droning and my enthusiasm…
His pheromone-boosted cologne makes one last concerted effort to revive my waning participation but alas it is too late...there are no fireworks, our chemistry is D.O.A. with a firm D.N.R order tagged to its left toe... 

beep beep beep beep...

…flatline…

Chemistry…its more than a subject I failed at CXC...it’s a vital component of courtship that makes or breaks it. It is the driving force between unions; the ignition and the ultimate catalyst for relationships; it’s the verbal or nonverbal, conscious or unconscious stirrings caused as a result of your interaction with the other person; the natural, mutual romantic attraction that results from a mixture of physical attraction and mutual personality-based rapport; the desire to be in tandem and inquisitive about each other;  the rapid heartbeat, the shortness of breath or the unsuspecting smile that forms upon thought - - it is beyond scientific, its turbo charged holistic attraction and essentially what sustains relationships over the years. 

Whilst instant chemistry is a delightful start to any courtship, it’s also a deceptive little bugger that often enough isn’t apparent from the jump. Asides from the people who believe in true love at first sight, normal persons like myself say honestly that we are lured in by aesthetics i.e. how big her boobs are, how striking his butt is et al. Then he/she has about 5-10 minutes in the moment to seem ‘interesting’ enough to make you desire to see them again. Providing they accomplish this, digits and PINS might be exchanged.

The waiting is over and its time for that ‘initial conversation’…disappointingly, it stutters and stalls more than a Lada in heat. You find that you two have very little to talk about but fine. I mean its unnerving being around someone you think is totally awesome so lets chalk it up human nature and nerves…

Bam! its round two and this should be the indicator of sparks but whilst you both love the colour orange, like to sip on green tea and disagree on euthanasia…its still all just a bit *insert sound effect* womp womp wooooomp…

What went wrong? There’s simply no chemistry…

Chemistry is one of those things you either have it with the person or you don’t. It's one of the few things in life you can't learn and can't teach nor can it be bought or sold. You, as a couple, either have it or you don't whether its sexual or not...

A tip tho: In those initial convos, strive to ‘get to the know’ the person without making it into an inquiry. If you must, make a list of general topics you’d like to discuss because nothing I find is more annoying than a barrage of reporter questions…we’re not on a shooting range nor am I on trial. It’s also perfectly normal to disagree on some points as constant agreement is boring *say no to yes men*… but please…be respectful, we’re just talking, not fighting for world domination. 

Chemistry is the start or end of it all and as such starts with having mutual interests. If we click on emotional or intellectual grounds, it’s a welcoming beginning and the more we have in common is the more we’ll connect and stay in each other’s thoughts. 

Chemistry is vital, but it is not to be confused with compatibility which is just as important as an individual trait. Chemistry is the natural connection that you have with someone whilst compatibility is a partnership of similar goals. You can have chemistry but no compatibility. They can make your insides race but deep down but deep down you know this ish won’t be good for you.  You’re literally just in it for the ride and to see how deep the rabbit hole goes. I’m testament to that…this fellow and I had some awesome…pshka I mean super ridiculous chemistry…sent my heart and loins a-flutter every time I saw his face, heard his name, smelled his cologne or made some association however we weren’t compatible in the long run and I felt I needed more. We disagreed on major life decisions and went our separate ways but to date, I don’t think anybody has matched that fellow in the interest pique-levels...  

*brb.. takes a quick cold shower to ward off the feelings of reminisce that are emerging*

Chemistry is the start or end of it all. It’s like a natural closeness…you’re comfortable gabbing away about any and everything yet just as comfortable in silence; its that feeling of ease right off the bat with someone… feeling like you've known them a long time even if you haven't… its 'that' connection that makes you relate to the sappy R+B songs and makes you want to buy bundles of Hallmark cards...

And while chemistry isn’t everything it is indeed the most potent and most desired… Courtship's most powerful signals are unheard, untouched and unseen and chemistry is that essence that makes you wanna slay dragons and scale mountains to fuel the passion… my beakers and your bunsen burner should always be in tandem.